Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
@WillyFerrellWhen someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
@WillyFerrellI got 99 cookies cause a bitch ate one.
@WillyFerrellNext time you feel a sneeze comnig on, yell out 'PIKA!' right before the sneeze.
@WillyFerrellRearrange these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTIELR 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE... Did you read: Spine, lither, ginger and subtext? Naughy Naughty.
@WillyFerrellMy Bed and I are deeply in love. It's obvious my Alarm Clock is jealous.
@WillyFerrellIf I had Morgan Freeman's voice I would sit in a corner and talk to myself for days.
@WillyFerrellI guess wearing head phones and not speaking doesn't really signal 'Fuck Off' well enough to some people.
@WillyFerrellI just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
@WillyFerrellI never let my children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins.
@WillyFerrellI changed all my passwords to 'incorrect', So my computer just tells me when I forget.
@WillyFerrellDear life, When I said 'can my day get any worse' it was a theorical question not a challenge.
@WillyFerrellI hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in bitches...
@WillyFerrellWho was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed ball till she died.
@WillyFerrellI want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they fuck up I wil just hit them all at once.
@WillyFerrellx² y 8 [(x 2y ² = a-z] 2x ³ (- 2z = 2. 4) 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9. x...Yeah, I still cant remember one time this helped me in life.
Mathematik, Schule@WillyFerrellThe biggest lie I tell myself is, 'I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.'
Erinnerungen@WillyFerrellEvery girl deserves to be treated like a princess, except hoes.
@WillyFerrellCan't spell STUPID without U right in the middle.
@WillyFerrellI got banned from Barnes and Noble today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' shelf.
@WillyFerrellBitches or not, 99 problems is still a shitload of problems.
@WillyFerrellI blame everyone for my problems. Except Shaggy, because we all know it wasn't him.
@WillyFerrellThat wtf moment when your toothpaste does a suicide dive off your toothbrush.
@WillyFerrellA dick has a sad life: His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, & his owner beats him.
@WillyFerrellSunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.
@WillyFerrellDoes anyone else wake up in the middle of the night thirsty as hell, and water tastes like it came from God's personal pond?
@WillyFerrellI wanna thank my mom for not aborting me and my dad for buying cheap condoms. Love you guys.
@WillyFerrellWe live in a world where losing your iPhone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.
Gesellschaft, Sex@WillyFerrellGirls, there's a fine line between wearing make-up or just looking like you got gang banged by Crayola.
@WillyFerrell