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Edle Helden, das ist ja alles schön und gut, aber wir machen das einzig und allein für die Kohle.

Nobility and heroism is fine and all, but we're in this for the money.

Liam O'Brien / Vax'ildan - Staffel 1 Episode 1

Ethik ist ein Luxus, den wir uns derzeit nicht erlauben können.

Ethics are a luxury we currently can't afford.

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo - Staffel 1 Episode 1

Percy: "Eventuell würde es uns besser gehen, wenn nicht jemand aus versehen unseren letzten Auftraggeber enthauptet hätte."
Grog: "Ich hab mich doch entschuldigt, oder nicht?"

Percy: "Well, perhaps if someone didn't accidentally decapitate the last fellow who hired us."
Grog: "Well, I apologized, didn't I?"

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw - Staffel 1 Episode 1

Tavernen Besitzerin: "Erst sauft ihr mir die Fässer leer, und dann zerlegt ihr meine Taverne in tausend Stücke. Und verratet mir mal, was dieser Gnom mit meiner Tochter anstellt?"
Scanlan: "Glaubt mir, das wollt Ihr nicht wissen."

Tavern Keeper: "First, you people drink me dry, then you destroy my tavern. And what is that gnome doing with my daughter?"
Scanlan: "It's probably best you don't know."

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt - Staffel 1 Episode 1

Dein Röschen pflück ich mit Geschick
Schatz, lass dich ein auf einen F-

My lady's rose I will pluck
My love, it's time for us to f-

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt - Staffel 1 Episode 1

Percy: "Grog hat gewonnen. Schon wieder."
Vax'ildan: "Verdammte Scheiße. Warum treten wir beim Saufen auch gegen einen Typen an, der doppelt so groß ist, wie wir?"
Vex'ahlia: "Was denn? Das ist nun mal der schnellste Weg, um betrunken zu werden."

Percy: "Grog wins. Again."
Vax'ildan: "F- me. Why do we always play drinking games with a guy twice our size?"
Vex'ahlia: "Because it's the fastest way to get drunk, obviously."

Laura Bailey / Vex'ahlia - Staffel 1 Episode 1

In weit entfernten Landen lag das majestätische Königreich Tal'Dorei. Einst das Schlachtfeld von Göttern und Titanen war es ein Ort voller Magie, Wunder und Mysterien. Es war eine friedliche Zeit... bis großes Unheil das Land überkam. Eine Gruppe tapferer Helden schloss sich zusammen. Bereit, sich dem Bösen entgegen zu stellen.

Long ago, in another realm stood the majestic kingdom of Tal'Dorei. Once the battlefield of gods and titans, its lands now harbor magic, wonder and mystery. It was a time of peace... until a great evil arrived. A brave group of heroes banded together, ready to face this evil.

Matthew Mercer / Dungeon Master - Staffel 1 Episode 1

Ihr batet um Hilfe von Kriegern, von manch weit entferntem Stamm
Doch versteht, dass davon niemand uns das Wasser reichen kann
Grog ist unser Goliath, der stark ist, doch nicht schlau
Und wie man euch das Hirn weg bläst, weiß Percy ganz genau
Fast schon eins mit der Natur ist Keyleth die Ashari
Schickt dich durch Tier- und Pflanzenwelt auf magische Safari
Dann noch Vex und Vax, sie schießt, ihr Bruder schleicht umher
So heimlich und so tödlich, doch ich frag mich, wer ist wer?
Pikes reine Seele heilt mit göttlichem Geschick
Oh, und 'nen Bären haben wir übrigens auch. Trinket, was 'n Glück
Und last but not least, ich heiße Scanlan, der Mann mit der fetten lila Hand
Meine Beats reißen dich mit, doch pass auf, dein Tochter reit ich locker
Sind stärker und auch cleverer als jegliches Gesocks
Gehen ein in die Geschichte als Legende von Vox - Machina

Your Excellence tried the best fighters, who've adventured far and wide
But I promise that you've never met a troop so qualified
There's Grog our mighty giant, he's a simpleminded hulk
And Percy's pepperbox can blow apart your f-ing skull
Nature hath no fury quite like Keyleth the Ashari
Controlling plants and animals, she's a magical safari
The twins Vex and Vax, she shoots, he hides in the pitch
They're stealthy and quite deadly but I forget which one is which
Pike's divinity is pure, her hands can always heal
Oh, and did I mention we have a bear? Trinket, no big deal
And as for myself? My name is Scanlan, the man with the phat purple hand
My music's the jam, going ham, you can't stand it
Get some water, hide your daughters
Brave warriors are we and far more clever than a fox
They'll tell tale of our exploits in the Legend of Vox - Machina

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt - Staffel 1 Episode 1

Pike: "Wenn uns das Eskortieren von Handelskarren und das Töten von Goblins gegen Gold nicht weiter bringt, vielleicht können wir zur Abwechslung versuchen, was Gutes zu tun?"
Alle: "Nee."
Grog: "Langweilig."

Pike: "If protecting carts from swindlers and killing goblins for gold isn't getting us anywhere, maybe we try doing some good this time?!"
Everyone: "Nah."
Grog: "Boring."

Ashley Johnson / Pike Trickfoot - Staffel 1 Episode 1

Sylas: "You keep an eye on that house, I'll go get the others."
Grog: "Right. Can you pick me up a sandwich on the way back?"

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw - Staffel 1

Open your back door, baby
Loosen your hinges, I'll show you my key

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt - Staffel 1

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Kashaw: "Is there a weak point?"
Scanlan: "Our plan."

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Critical Role - Episode 78

Pläne

Oh, Kern, do you need some d-ck? Because I gave some to your mom last night!

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Critical Role - Staffel 1 Episode 23

Scanlan: "Ok, I'm gonna move right there, into the room as far as I can."
Dungeon Master: "That's as far as, you can go that far."
Scanlan: "Ok, and I'm going to cast stinking cloud. Right there. It's gonna smell like just ass over there."

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Critical Role

Don't worry, that hard wood is the boat.

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Critical Role - Episode 10

If only I had taken a dump in the middle of town, I could see what's going on right now.

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Critical Role

Right. I have an intelligence of 6. I know what I'm doing.

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw in Critical Role - Staffel 1 Episode 1

Vax'ildan: "Good sir dwarf, clearly we are idiots."
Dungeon Master: "That's the first true thing you've said since you called me out of my meal."

Matthew Mercer / Dungeon Master in Critical Role

In fact, we'll be keeping your weapons, your armor, and, I believe, your pride.

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Critical Role - Staffel 1 Episode 5

Dagger's so sharp it could cut the sexual tension.

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Critical Role - Staffel 1 Episode 24

Hello, I'd like to share the news of our lord and savior, my axe in your face!

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw in Critical Role - Episode 29

Hello, everyone! And welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons and Dragons.

Matthew Mercer / Dungeon Master in Critical Role - Episode 45

Pen & Paper

Only in the house of lady favors do I let my beans hang out when I sleep.

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw in Critical Role - Episode 58

It's so rare that we're actually given the opportunity to be honest about everything; we might as well try it once and see if we like it.

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Critical Role - Episode 65

We don't do anything with dignity.

Laura Bailey / Vex'ahlia in Critical Role - Episode 83

With my frenzied rage renewed, I run towards the water, haunted by nightmares of Sebastian and the Little Mermaid and I leap into the water, and start slashing, and slashing.

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw in Critical Role

Grog: "We have, also if you're interested, in trade, basilisk eggs, and parts of an umberhulk."
Vax'ildan: "And a troll dck."
Grog: "Nope, that's gone. We flogged him with it, and then it disappeared."
Vax'ildan: "I detract my offer."
Grog: "It was used very well."

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw in Critical Role

You can't walk off in the middle of a game of hide-and-seek again. I've been in a barrel for an hour! I fell asleep in there!

Liam O'Brien / Vax'ildan in Critical Role - Episode 87

Vax'ildan: "You come on to every human, orc, and half-elf in the entire kingdom, but pretending to be my wife for 30 minutes is too much?"
Vex'ahlia: "Yes, it's disgusting, so no."
Vax'ildan: "You're probably right."

Liam O'Brien / Vax'ildan in Critical Role

Tiberius: "Vax, what are you doing?"
Vax'ildan: "I'm killing someone, hold please."

Liam O'Brien / Vax'ildan in Critical Role

Keyleth: "Hey, guys… We're friends, right?"
Percy: "Worse. We're family."

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Critical Role - Episode 85

I do not want to die who I am. I would like to live long enough to be someone else.

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Critical Role

Never attack the bedding before you know the thread count.

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Critical Role - Episode 2

What's the best thing you've got? That's, you know, within reason.

Laura Bailey / Vex'ahlia in Critical Role - Episode 84

I'll give you a limerick. Hold on. I've been preparing it. Have you heard tale of Scanlan the bard? Or Burt Reynolds if you look at his card. Always tries to get laid, sometimes with ladies he made. But I still respect him because rhyming is hard.

Laura Bailey / Vex'ahlia in Critical Role

Burt Reynolds

Well, you haven't seen a door mimic before, because I don't hate you that much yet.

Matthew Mercer / Dungeon Master in Critical Role - Episode 90

Dungeon Master: "Look, we're letting you off this once, but if you so much as spit in the direction of any other dwarf in this city, we're gonna bury you so far underneath the dungeon, you won't see the light of day again until the day you rot. You hear me dragonborn?"
Tiberius: "I mean, yes. My hearing is perfectly fine."

Matthew Mercer / Dungeon Master in Critical Role

How do you want to do this?

Matthew Mercer / Dungeon Master in Critical Role

If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show

New York Jets

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