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Trevor Noah - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah - Juni 2020

Barbie

Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.

Jordan Klepper - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

New York City

Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"

Jordan Klepper - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

Impfstoffe

All the teams in the NBA will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, "Oh, no problem we don't play basketball every day, that's just what we do."

Trevor Noah - August 2022

New York Knicks

The NBA has announced that they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. I will say though, not to sound cynical but, if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe... yeah.

Trevor Noah - August 2022

Minnesota Timberwolves

You're gonna move the ocean into the desert? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, unless they do it while Burning Man is happening. In which case, go for it. Please take a bath, you dirty hippies!

Ronny Chieng

Burning Man

I know Liberals and Conservatives don't agree on much. But can we agree that you should not own a gun, if you don't know how to poop in a potty?

Jordan Klepper - April 2023

Waffenlobby

Trump Supporter: "It's an American ideal that we treat women with respect."
Klepper: "You gotta give me the back of that shirt one more time, that's too much fun."
Trump Supporter: "Trump that b*tch!"
Klepper: "Ha ha, we don't even see the irony of it... I love it."

Jordan Klepper - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Trump Supporter: "The regular couple... they work so hard, you know, and the gay couple they want more."
Klepper: "When you say 'more', do you mean 'equal'?"
Trump Supporter: "Yeah, they want equal."
Klepper: "And that's just too much?"

Jordan Klepper - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Trump Supporter: "The presidency is a man's job. A female has more hormones. She could start a war in 10 seconds."
Klepper: "Haven't all wars been started by men?"

Jordan Klepper - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I found really interesting. Because for, like, the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

Trevor Noah - Juni 2022

Bitcoin Kryptowährungen

Usually, when Boris Johnson takes a position, the opposite position is the right one. That's why his hair is always like, "Wherever he goes, I'm going the other way."

Trevor Noah - Juni 2022

Boris Johnson

I'm just curious about how you even know when Rudy Giuliani is drunk. No, because when a normal person is drunk, they say crazy things, they yell, they sweat a lot. So how does that work with Rudy? Does it work in reverse? Like, does he start talking normally, his hair die sucks back into his hair?

Trevor Noah - Juni 2022

Rudy Giuliani

If you dare as an organization to certify the cancellation of the McRib, I will not accept those results. I'm gonna get a group of people together and we're going to travel and we're going to march down to McDonald's headquarters. We're going to McDonald's the first week of January to start the year off with a bang.

Roy Wood Jr.

McDonald's

It's the 4th of July, that time of year when Americans who don't watch MSNBC, celebrate the nation's birthday.

Ronny Chieng

Independence Day

Don't stereotype Asian people. Also, there's a good chance they're doctors, so they can help you out if you are worried.

Ronny Chieng

Asien

I love getting in a Halloween spirit. I buy candy, and when trick-or-treaters come to my door, I eat it in their faces, to show that nothing in life is free!

Ronny Chieng

Halloween

Do you know how bad that coffee has to be to to be considered a health risk in New York? This is the same city where pizza gets delivered by a rat!

Ronny Chieng

New York City

If you wanna spend money to have a shitty night, just go on a Tinder date: "Oh, wow. That's so interesting. I've never met anyone who likes to travel before."

Ronny Chieng

Tinder

Das Metaverse wird von Microsoft und Facebook gebaut, also weiß man von Anfang an, dass es sau langweilig werden wird.

The Metaverse is being made by Microsoft and Facebook, so you know it's gonna be boring as sh-t.

Ronny Chieng

Virtual Reality

Close contact with disgusting creatures that may touch you? That's not a haunted house. That's a sleepover at Jeffrey Epstein's place.

Ronny Chieng

Jeffrey Epstein

Don't point fingers on the internet, because the internet will finger you right back.

Ronny Chieng

Internet

They're tricking kids into building their own playground. And I gotta tell you, this exact same thing happened to me back home in Asia, and by the time we were done "playing", we had finished a whole new line of Nike's.

Ronny Chieng

Nike

No one has ever been delighted to be in Boston in December. December? What are you excited about? "Oh, I love chapped lips and getting thrown up on by Patriots fans, how peachy."

Trevor Noah - Dezember 2022

New England Patriots Boston

Today is Spotify-Wrapped-Day. The day that Spotify looks at our music and reminds us that we're all a basic b*tch. Thank God, Tinder doesn't do a year-end wrap-up just to remind you of all the terrible decisions you made on desperate nights.

Trevor Noah - Dezember 2022

Tinder Spotify

California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.

Trevor Noah - Oktober 2022

Kalifornien

The next World Cup will be in the US. Which means all the players will be allowed to use guns. Don't worry, they can't use their hands to shoot them... should be interesting.

Trevor Noah - Dezember 2022

Fußball Weltmeisterschaft 2026

The house still passed a gun-control bill. The only problem is that everyone already knows that it has zero chance of passing in the senate. Which has got to be rough for the house. You work so hard on something that you know is going to lose. They're like the New York Knicks of legislation.

Trevor Noah - Juni 2022

Waffenlobby New York Knicks

North Korea, voted Korea of the year by North Korea Magazine for the past three decades.

Trevor Noah - Juni 2022

Nordkorea

The only way the army should use Fortnite is to drop it on Isis. Then they'll start playing it 20 hours a day, and we'll have won the War on Terror and that's when we really get to dance.

Ronny Chieng - Juni 2023

Fortnite

Es tut mir leid, dass wir in einer Welt leben, in der Menschen Waffen mehr wertschätzen als Menschenleben.

I'm sorry that we live in a world where there are people who will put a gun before your lives.

Trevor Noah - Oktober 2017

Waffenlobby

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The government was beholden to the NRA, and the NRA's power stemmed from one oft-debated sentence written at a time when guns were muskets and lightning was witchcraft, the Second Amendment.

Jordan Klepper - Juni 2017

Waffenlobby

Seit wann geht das Überprüfen von Fakten und der Journalismus eigentlich getrennte Wege?

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

Jon Stewart

Journalismus Fakten

Der Cannabis-Legalisierung droht das Aus.
Deutschland ist einfach das Land, in dem die versprochenen Züge nicht kommen.

heute-show - Januar 2024

Marihuana Deutsche Bahn 2024 Ampel-Regierung

Eine Telefonumfrage besagt, dass sich 51 Prozent aller Studenten mindestens einmal im Monat bis zum Umfallen betrinken. Die restlichen 49 Prozent sind nicht ans Telefon gegangen.

A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

Craig Kilborn

Studium & Uni

Ich stehe zwischen den Lagern. Zwischen dem Recht, Waffen zu besitzen und der öffentlichen Sicherheit.

I feel like I've got feet firmly in different camps. Between the right of gun ownership and public safety.

Tim Walz

Waffenlobby

Menschen haben nur ein Ende. Ideen leben ewig.

Humans only have one ending. Ideas live forever.

Ruth Handler in Barbie

Ich habe nichts gegen Orlando, auch wenn es natürlich deutlich wahrscheinlicher ist, dort erschossen zu werden, als in London.

I have nothing against Orlando, though you are, of course, far more likely to get shot or robbed there than in London.

Boris Johnson

London Orlando

Mehr Handel mit Katar und den Emiraten ist gut gegen den Terrorismus.

More trade with Qatar & Emirates is good against terrorism.

Rudy Giuliani

Katar

Interviewer: "Have you ever socialized with Donald Trump in the presence of females under the age of 18?"
Epstein: "Though I'd like to answer that question, at least today, I'm going to have to assert my 5th, 6th, and 14th Amendment Right, sir."

Jeffrey Epstein - März 2010

Donald Trump The Epstein Files

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