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One downside of our big brains is we're the only creatures who are aware that death is inevitable. Although, if you lined ten dogs in a row and shot them one by one, the dog on the end would probably get the gist by about dog four.

Cells couldn't multiply without this, the IKEA instruction manual for life, DNA. DNA is tiny yet comlex, like Tom Cruise.

Knowledge is a paradox. The more one understands, the more one realizes the vastness of his ignorance.

When you lose everything, that's when you're finally free.

We're not defined by what we los. We're defined by what we survive.

They're exhausting to inflate, they scare the shit out of you when they pop, and uninflated they just look like a pile of clown-condoms.

This isn't about good or bad. This is about power. And who is allowed to use it.

Lip: "Hey, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?"
Frank: "Dine and dash?"
Lip: "Bite and bolt."
Frank: "Eat it and beat it?"

What can I say, once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.

Frank: "What did they get you for again?"
"Beat my ex-wife to death with a telephone."
Frank': "Cordless or landline?"

Been sleeping in this car six years. Pissed, puked, jizzed in it. By law of bodily fluids, it's mine.

I have red hair, freckles and crooked teeth. I don't need any more character!

Debs, we need at least one person in this family to not turn cynical, and my money's been on you.

I don't go onto Facebook because I don't give a shit about whose pet just died or who just checked in at the f*cking McDonald's.

I'm sorry, but no one speaking English as a first language should be doing this job.

Seriosly, I don't mean to be an asshole, it's just... genetic.

I kind of have no choice. I gotta find Frank. Get him sober and ready to appear in court. He's like my sad-ass Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Lanier: "Your body is a temple, Carl, and you only want to put things in it that are natural."
Carl: "Like fists? I saw it in that movie."

You're like a f*cking cockroach, able to live anywhere and feed off anything.

Kate: "Fishing? Gonna use your tiny dick as a worm?"
Frank: "I've caught some big whales with this little worm. Yourself included there, Moby."

You get along a lot better with a weapon and a kind word than a kind word alone.

Too many Gallaghers in the world already. Instead of passing rubbers out at your school, they should be passing them out at your house.

Teenagers. They're hormon-soaked brains aren't wired to think about anyone other than themselves.

Ethel: "One day the entire family will be reunited in the Garden of Eden."
"Oh, like heaven?"
Ethel: "No, it's in Missouri."
"Oh. Eden's got a lot of methheads."

That's the Gallagher sperm. Ambitious, relentless. Everything we're not once we're born. Like heat-seeking, baby-making missiles. Won't be long before the country's nothing but Mexicans and Gallaghers.

Frank: "Why you gotta be such an asshole?"
Lip: "Apple fell where you dropped it."

V: "You always pick p*ssies!"
Fiona: "Well, they are what they eat."

I'm gonna beat you like a piñata till candy flies out of your ass!

Clare: "Thank you. God loves you."
Veronica: "Yeah, if that were true, he'd have made me white and rich."

Every day you wake up breathing, you should be coloring me a note of gratitude that the half of you that came from me wasn't spooged on your mother's neck, but instead was guided by yours truly to get up inside of her to start the life of you.

Frank: "It's not sex if you can't remember it."
Kev: "Ha. Then you're a virgin, Frank."

Lip: "You really wanna get your ass shot off in some 'stan somewhere?"
Ian: "'Stan?"
Lip: "Yeah, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraqistan."

You just made my boy parts get bigger.

Sheila: "Now, by sifting we separate and aerate those flour particles to make them absorb liquids better."
Deb: "Someone should sift my dad."

Frank doesn't have friends, only people he hasn't pissed off yet.

Karen: "Why do we help people we hate?"
Lip: "I believe we're just taking our cue from American foreign policy."

I am fed up with these pan-gender hermaphrodites who hate that human beings are a species with two distinct genders. It's like they've declared war on testicles. They wanna remove all the masculinity from the schools, fill the world with yogurt-eaters.

Oh, Warren, once again proving that Koreans are the Asian Jews.

We all have our phobias and school is mine. All of it. Textbooks full of falsehoods, teachers unions full of thugs, and tenured imbeciles who still use words like "irregardless".

Veronica: "What's that smell? It's either vomit or fancy cheese."
Carl: "It can be both if you want."