Zitate und Sprüche von Ronny Chieng

Zitate und Sprüche von Ronny Chieng

You're gonna move the ocean into the desert? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, unless they do it while Burning Man is happening. In which case, go for it. Please take a bath, you dirty hippies!
It's the 4th of July, that time of year when Americans who don't watch MSNBC, celebrate the nation's birthday.
Don't stereotype Asian people. Also, there's a good chance they're doctors, so they can help you out if you are worried.
I love getting in a Halloween spirit. I buy candy, and when trick-or-treaters come to my door, I eat it in their faces, to show that nothing in life is free!
Do you know how bad that coffee has to be to to be considered a health risk in New York? This is the same city where pizza gets delivered by a rat!
If you wanna spend money to have a shitty night, just go on a Tinder date: "Oh, wow. That's so interesting. I've never met anyone who likes to travel before."
Das Metaverse wird von Microsoft und Facebook gebaut, also weiß man von Anfang an, dass es sau langweilig werden wird.
Close contact with disgusting creatures that may touch you? That's not a haunted house. That's a sleepover at Jeffrey Epstein's place.
Don't point fingers on the internet, because the internet will finger you right back.
They're tricking kids into building their own playground. And I gotta tell you, this exact same thing happened to me back home in Asia, and by the time we were done "playing", we had finished a whole new line of Nike's.
The only way the army should use Fortnite is to drop it on Isis. Then they'll start playing it 20 hours a day, and we'll have won the War on Terror and that's when we really get to dance.
The Daily Show - Juni 2023

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Spotify, die App mit Liedern der gesamten Musikgeschichte, die wir ausschließlich dafür nutzen, die selben vier Lieder immer wieder zu hören.
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You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"
Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.
Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC
Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"
Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC
All the teams in the NBA will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, "Oh, no problem we don't play basketball every day, that's just what we do."
Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - August 2022
The NBA has announced that they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. I will say though, not to sound cynical but, if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe... yeah.
Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - August 2022
I know Liberals and Conservatives don't agree on much. But can we agree that you should not own a gun, if you don't know how to poop in a potty?
Trump Supporter: "It's an American ideal that we treat women with respect."
Klepper: "You gotta give me the back of that shirt one more time, that's too much fun."
Trump Supporter: "Trump that b*tch!"
Klepper: "Ha ha, we don't even see the irony of it... I love it."
Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test
Trump Supporter: "The regular couple... they work so hard, you know, and the gay couple they want more."
Klepper: "When you say 'more', do you mean 'equal'?"
Trump Supporter: "Yeah, they want equal."
Klepper: "And that's just too much?"
Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test
Trump Supporter: "The presidency is a man's job. A female has more hormones. She could start a war in 10 seconds."
Klepper: "Haven't all wars been started by men?"
Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test
Crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I found really interesting. Because for, like, the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.
Usually, when Boris Johnson takes a position, the opposite position is the right one. That's why his hair is always like, "Wherever he goes, I'm going the other way."
I'm just curious about how you even know when Rudy Giuliani is drunk. No, because when a normal person is drunk, they say crazy things, they yell, they sweat a lot. So how does that work with Rudy? Does it work in reverse? Like, does he start talking normally, his hair die sucks back into his hair?
If you dare as an organization to certify the cancellation of the McRib, I will not accept those results. I'm gonna get a group of people together and we're going to travel and we're going to march down to McDonald's headquarters. We're going to McDonald's the first week of January to start the year off with a bang.
No one has ever been delighted to be in Boston in December. December? What are you excited about? "Oh, I love chapped lips and getting thrown up on by Patriots fans, how peachy."
Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Dezember 2022
Today is Spotify-Wrapped-Day. The day that Spotify looks at our music and reminds us that we're all a basic b*tch. Thank God, Tinder doesn't do a year-end wrap-up just to remind you of all the terrible decisions you made on desperate nights.
Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Dezember 2022
California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.
Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Oktober 2022
The next World Cup will be in the US. Which means all the players will be allowed to use guns. Don't worry, they can't use their hands to shoot them... should be interesting.
Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Dezember 2022
The house still passed a gun-control bill. The only problem is that everyone already knows that it has zero chance of passing in the senate. Which has got to be rough for the house. You work so hard on something that you know is going to lose. They're like the New York Knicks of legislation.
North Korea, voted Korea of the year by North Korea Magazine for the past three decades.
Es tut mir leid, dass wir in einer Welt leben, in der Menschen Waffen mehr wertschätzen als Menschenleben.
Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Oktober 2017
Ich will, dass die Leute die Macht, die Verantwortung und die Bürde verstehen, die mit ihrem Geld einhergeht.
I just want you to know I'm not a pedophile. Maybe the only thing worse than being called a pedophile is being called a hedge fund manager.
I invest in people - be it politics or science. It's what I do.
Jeffrey Epstein - Oktober 2002
Welcome to the Burning Man Festival 2015 in the middle of buttf*ck nowhere, a Mekka, a melting pot of STDs.
Ozzy Man Reviews - MEGA COMPILATION #4
1
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
2
Words of affirmation!? I was raised by Asian parents. I've never heard one word of affirmation in my life. Their love language is verbal abuse.
Halloween. Der einzige Tag im Jahr, an dem man sich verkleiden kann, ohne sich ins soziale Abseits zu begeben. Es stellt sich nur die Frage: Wer möchtest du gerne sein? Es gibt Kostüme, die aus Männern kleine Jungs machen oder kleine Mädchen werden zu Königinnen.
Gossip Girl in Gossip Girl - Staffel 3
3
Arzt: "Natürliche Todesursache?"
Niko: "Klar. Eine Kugel im Kopf ist in dieser Stadt wohl die natürlichste aller Todesursachen."
Niko Bellic in GTA - Grand Theft Auto - IV
9
Hätt's das früher schon gegeben, hätt ich heute Aids.
Thorsten in Die Discounter - Staffel 1 Episode 2
Herr, gib mir Kaffee, um zu verändern, was ich kann; und Virtual Reality um zu akzeptieren, dass es nicht alles ist.
Gib mir deine Liebe, nicht dein Like!
5
Buck: "Seht euch diese Mokassins an. Wie heißt'n das Leder?"
Stubble: "Da steht ja was drauf... 'Neekay'. Ist wahrscheinlich 'n Indianer-Dialekt oder so was bescheuertes."
Fortnite ist das perfekte Spiel. Es ist auf fast allen Plattformen umsonst spielbar und macht rundum Spaß.
2
Bücher wie Harry Potter sind toll, trotz der dicken Kinder, die in Dortmund bei ihrem Versuch, nach Hogwarts zu kommen, von der Bahnhofsmauer abprallen.
Torsten Sträter - Als ich in meinem Alter war
1
Ich sitz' manchmal da und denke, "hey, wenn die jetzt merken, dass ich gar keinen Plan hab." Ganz oft. Ich hab keinen Plan, was ich hier mach. Dann stellt mir irgendwer ne Frage und dann antworte ich und dann lacht vielleicht jemand und ich denk, "krass, hat funktioniert, schon 10 Jahre rum."
Teddy Comedy - Chez Krömer vom 16.11.2020
Für mich ist das nicht ungewöhnlich, dass ich nen Gag mache und keiner lacht. Damit verdiene ich mein Geld.
Da bin ich, Gott sei Dank, ja jetzt nicht unbedingt so'n mentaler Intercity. Also, bis ich kapiert hab, was er dort macht, da war's schon wieder vorbei.
Ich bin nur ein kleiner Friesenjunge
Und ich wohne hinterm Deich
Ja, Ostfriesland ist ein schönes Land
Wie die Schweiz und Österreich

Bin ein Friesenjung, bin ein kleiner Friesenjung und
Bin ein Friesenjung, bin ein Friesen-, Friesenjung
Bin ein Friesenjung, bin ein kleiner Friesenjung
Und ich wohne hinterm Deich
Otto Waalkes - Friesenjung, Album: denk mal drüber nach

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