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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

I wish to live to 150 years old, but the day I die, I wish it to be with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other.

So smoking is the perfect way to commit suicide without actually dying. I smoke because it's bad, it's really simple.

When I was a boy, it never occurred to me that one day I might participate at the birthday of a German Chancellor. But that was before I knew that smoking four packs of cigarettes and consuming ten Coca-Colas a day guaranteed longevity.

Christian: "What else is against the rules?"
Nadia: "Drinking, smoking, doing drugs..."
Christian: "...so basically all the fun stuff."

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I never diet. I smoke. I drink now and then. I never work out.

Tobacco not only wrecks health and health systems; it’s a drain on economies and the environment.

There are enough no smoking places now.

Smoking calms me down. It's enjoyable. I don't want politicians deciding what is exciting in my life.

It takes a lot of dedication to quit smoking, and whether you give up for good on your first try or have to give it a couple of tries - just keep swinging at it and you will succeed.

Lighting stog after stog, I choke on the smoke
They tell me to quit, don't listen what I'm told
They help me forget that this world is so cold
I don't even know what I'm chasin' no more

Smoking is one of the leading causes of all statistics.

Barney: "I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: Post-coital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlap, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and of course - wait for it - 'cause lord knows I have, pregnancy scares."
Ted: "Why are you smoking right now?"
Barney: "I'm always pre-coital, Ted."

Don't do drugs, don't have unprotected sex, don't be violent... leave that to me.

Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

What an artist is trying to do for people is bring them closer to something, because of course art is about sharing. You wouldn't be an artist unless you wanted to share an experience, a thought.

A kiss is something you need both hands for.

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I was born with good health and a strong body and spent years abusing them.