Zitate und Sprüche aus Noch nie in meinem Leben …

Harry und Meghan, macht Platz! Das ist der Stoff, aus dem Märchen gemacht werden. Sie waren seit zwei Wochen zusammen, was für Teenager gleichbedeutend mit lebenslanger Monogamie ist. Auch wenn es, unter uns, zwei erstaunlich jugendfreie Wochen waren.

Harry and Meghan, move over! This is what fairy tales are made of. They'd been together for two whole weeks, which for teenagers is basically a lifetime of monogamy. Although between us, it had been a surprisingly PG-13 two weeks.

We are smart. And idiots are banging all the time. We can learn how to do it, too.

I want you to allow yourself to aknowledge the pain that you so clearly feel.

Having just any boyfriend, no matter who he is, is not going to make you happier or change who you are.

I can not believe that a woman who was brave enough to travel halfway around the world to pursue her dreams would allow anyone to dictate who she can be with.

Just keep your nose out of my business and up the teacher's butt where it usually is.

I was pretending to be someone I am not which I should only be doing on stage.

I'm mature enough to be on my own. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna Google how to buy a credit card.

We just miss our old friend, but right now, you're not her. You just seem lost.

She's a trailblazing Indian diva who marches to the beat of her own drummer.

You fight back with your spirit, little one. You stand up for yourself!

Aunties are older Indian women who have no blood-relation to you. But are allowed to have opinions about your life and all your shortcomings. And you have to be nice to them because you're Indian.

I found a Bollywood movie about a princess who falls for a lowly street sweeper. It's only seven hours long.

You look like an Indian Kardashian.

Now you may be asking yourself why is sports icon John McEnroe narrating this tale? It'll make sense later I promise.

I don't bring lunch on Tuesdays. It's square pizza day.

It's like, I think about sex 24/7, but I don't really know how to do it. In the movies, you always see the girl kiss her way down the guy's body, but then, she moves off-screen. Is she stopping at the penis or kissing all the way to the foot?

You better go to your room before I give you a smack. Smacking is still an acceptable punishment in many minority cultures.

Hey gods, it's Devi Vishwakumar, your favorite Hindu girl in the San Fernando Valley. What's a-poppin'? It's the first day of school, and I thought we should have a check-in. I think we can all agree that last year sucked for a number of reasons. So I thought of a few ways you guys can make it up to me. One: I'd like to be invited to a party with alcohol and hard drugs. I'm not gonna do them, I'd just like the opportunity to say, "No cocaine for me, thanks. I'm good." Two: I'd love for my arm hair to thin out. I know it's an Indian thing, but my forearms look like the frigging floor of a barber shop. And lastly, most importantly, I'd really, really like a boyfriend, but not some nerd from one of my AP classes. Like a guy from a sports team. He can be dumb, I don't care. I just want him to be a stone-cold hottie, who could rock me all night long. Thanks for considering. I love you guys.

I saw a couple riding a tandem bike, and it made me think of how you don't know how to ride a bike.

I'm sorry. I've been told before that my light tread is too elegant to be detected by the human ear.