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The league should not ask anyone to miss the birth of their first child. That is a magic moment! Now, second child - that's negotiable. Same shit, different day. Third child - I'm not even sure the mother has to be there.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Coronavirus VII: Sports
 
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Basically, Amazon is the industry trend setter. They're the Michael Jackson of shipping: They're the best at what they do, everyone tries to imitate them, and nobody who learns a third thing about them is happy that they did.

AmazonJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Warehouses
 
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That twerking pig may actually be the perfect embodiment of the entire Brexit situation. It's in motion already, we're all powerless to stop it and it is impossible to look away.

BrexitJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Brexit II
 
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Threatening the British by saying there will be only salt and vinegar on the table, is like threatening the French by saying there will only be wine and baguettes, or threatening the Swiss by saying there'll only be chocolate and Nazi gold.

Frankreich, England & Großbritannien, SchweizJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Brexit II
 
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Accusing America of creating Venzuela's crisis is about as fair as accusing O.J. Simpson of murdering Princess Diana. I'm not saying it would be completly out of character, it just happens to not be true in this particular instance.

AmerikaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Venezuela
 
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It's interesting how your feelings on sueing the government can change a lot, based on who is saying it. It's like how, 'I'm getting off here', is a fine thing for someone to say, if they're standing next to the door of a train. But it's a rude thing to say, if they are masturbating on that same train.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, State Attorneys General
 
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Calling Facebook a toilet is a little unfair to toilets. Because they make shit go away, whereas Facebook retains shit.

FacebookJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Facebook
 
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Our main story tonight concerns Facebook, the worst place to wish Happy Birthday to a friend, other than a funeral.

FacebookJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Facebook
 
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Trade. The basic system of barter exchange that you have to do really carefully or you'll end up with Dwight Howard.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Trade
 
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[..] to an infamous story about a pubic hair in a coke can. Which is the most disgusting thing you could possibly discover in a coke can - other than Pepsi.

ColaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Workplace Sexual Harassment
 
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Senior citizens, the people who stay active by playing shuffleboard, going on walks or performing their hit-song 'I can't get no satisfaction' in front of packed arenas around the world.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Guardianship
 
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Generally, Balls are to the human body what 'Starz' is to a cable package: It comes with it, we understand that, but it's not nice to look at and nobody really knows what to do with it.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Guardianship
 
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The NRA, a group that feels about guns, the way the rest of us feels about Nutella. A little is good, more is better and you can tell me it's bad for me all you like, but you will pry it from my cold dead hands.

WaffenJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, NRA TV
 
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America ist the country that gave you Star Wars, you're welcome. And scientology, we're sorry about that. Sometimes what's great and terrible about us is just impossible to seperate.

AmerikaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Trump vs. The World
 
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His approach is 'America first!' Foreign affairs is like sex. If you loudly announce that you will always come first, you're going to have trouble finding partners.

Donald TrumpJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Trump vs. The World
 
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During WWII, we rushed into developing nuclear weapons, because we were trying to defeat the nazis, who - fun fact - pretty much all Americans agreed were bad at the time.

2017John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Nuclear Waste
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Like Channing Tatum, North Dakota suddenly turned out to be a lot more interesting, once it was covered in oil.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, North Dakota
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Abstinence is a healthy choice, that many teens will make. Either by choice, or, as I can attest, by circumstance.

Jugend, SexJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Sex Education
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Prison sentences are a lot like penises. If they're used correctly, even a short one can do the trick... is a rumor I have heard.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Mandatory Minimums
 
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Home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship: Spending money, reconciling tastes, long-term planning and fluorescent lighting.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Home Depot Commercial
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9 out of the top 10 drug makers spent more on marketing, than they did on research. Drug companies are a bit like highschool boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside you, than being effective once they're in there.

HighschoolJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Marketing to Doctors
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Das einzige Problem ist, dass Budweiser einer der Hauptsponsoren der FIFA ist. Und die verkaufen ein Produkt, welches sie nach wie vor hartnäckig als 'Bier' bezeichnen.

The only problem is, Budweiser is one of FIFA's key sponsors. And they sell a product they reflexivly insist on calling 'beer'.

BierJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, World Cup Excitement
 
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