Your laugh is the reason your parents never tickled you growing up.
The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year 2024
Jimmy has the work ethic of an immigrant and the personal wealth of the country that immigrant had to flee.
The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year 2024
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I'm gonna talk about racism now. And this is a straight white man talking, so pay attention!
Wer will sich den Impfstoff nicht geben lassen, weil er glaubt, dass er gefährlich ist? Heb die Hand! Und jetzt nehmt ihr diese Hand und haut euch damit in euer dämliches Gesicht!
Who's not gonna take the vaccine because they think it might be dangerous? Raise your hands! Now take that hand and slap yourself in the f*cking face!
Was ist Selbstmord? Es ist eine dauerhafte Lösung für ein vorübergehendes Problem. Das ist so traurig.
What is suicide? It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's so sad.
Everyone is shaving their p*ssy. And hipsters these days have beards. So society has the same amount of hair, just on different c*nts.
Mainsplaining, it's when a man tries to explain what you already know in a patronizing manner. It's when a man - that's me - tries to put clever thoughts in your pretty little brain. You understand that? That's a meta joke.
Wenn du ein obdachloser, alkoholabhängiger Schotte wärst und Tourette hättest... wie sollte das jemals irgendwer erfahren?
If you're a homeless, alcoholic Scott and you had tourettes... how would they ever know?
Ein Mädchen ist zu jung für dich, wenn du Flugzeuggeräusche nachahmen musst, damit sie deinen Schwanz in den Mund nimmt.
I think a girl is too young for you if you have to make airplane noises to put your c-ck in her mouth.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year, we could save millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly of aids.
Das Tragische an Komikern ist, dass sie nichts mehr wollen, als gemocht zu werden. Wir suchen verzweifelt nach Aufmerksamkeit. Es ist wie eine Persönlichkeitsstörung, der man beruflich nachgeht.
The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.
Ich war verliebt in den Gedanken eine Frau zu lieben, noch deutlich bevor ich wirklich in eine verliebt war.
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
If she says, "We can't have sex, I'm on my period", I would say, "Well, your ass isn't bleeding, is it?"
A travel writer's made a world map showing where women are easiest to sleep with. That's awful. Although, good news for Blackpool's tourism.
Jimmy Carr - via Twitter
The new Thor movie is out today. I haven't been looking forward to Hammertime this much since 1989.
Jimmy Carr - Oktober 2013
Halloween fand ich dieses Jahr super. Ich habe mir zwei Kürbisse in die Rückseite meiner Hose gesteckt und bin als Kim Kardashians Arsch gegangen.
I enjoyed Halloween this year. I stuck two pumpkins down the back of my trousers and went as Kim Kardashian's arse.
Jimmy Carr - via Twitter
Dinge geraten schnell außer Kontrolle. Ich habe einmal von einer Frau gehört, die ihren Mann darüber angelogen hat, wie sie schwanger wurde und jetzt gibt es eine eigene Religion.
Things get out of hand so quickly. I once heard of a girl who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant, and now there's an entire religion.
Alte weiße Männer bestimmen gerade das Schicksal der Welt und drehen das Rad der Zeit komplett wieder zurück. Das schockiert mich.
Steven Gätjen - Mai 2025
My faith is incredibly important to me, I would argue, now more than ever, being in a role that is very demanding and at times controversial. It could be difficult for someone who doesn't have faith but with faith, all things are possible.
Karoline Leavitt - März 2025
The Trump White House will speak to all media outlets and personalities, not just the legacy media.
Karoline Leavitt - Januar 2025
President Trump is back, and the golden age of America has most definitely begun.
Karoline Leavitt - Januar 2025
Jimmy Carr