Zitate und Sprüche von John Oliver

Deutschland... ein Land, das seinen Kindern Märchen erzählt, in denen zwei Kinder zum Sterben im Wald alleine gelassen, fast gekocht und gegessen werden, und dann eine alte Frau ermorden.

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

(Last Week Tonight)

Deutschland Märchen

Australien... Heimat aller Tiere, die eigentlich längst ausgestorben sein sollten.

Australia... home of every animal that seems like it should already be extinct.

(Last Week Tonight)

Australien

Russland... der Vorgänger und Nachfolger der Sowjetunion.

Russia... the prequel and sequel to the Sowjet Union.

(Last Week Tonight)

Russland

Russland... das Land, das der Welt Tetris und eventuell den 45. Präsidenten der Vereinigten Staaten gegeben hat.

Russia... the country that gave the world Tetris, merkins you wear on your heads, and potentially the 45th President of the United States.

(Last Week Tonight)

Donald Trump Russland US Wahlen Tetris

Griechenland... die jüngste Griechische Tragödie.

Greece... the most recent Greek Tragedy.

(Last Week Tonight)

Griechenland

Den Briten damit zu drohen, dass nur Salz und Essig auf den Tisch kommt, ist als würde man den Franzosen mit Wein und Baguette drohen, oder den Schweizern mit Schokolade und Nazigold.

Threatening the British by saying there will be only salt and vinegar on the table, is like threatening the French by saying there will only be wine and baguettes, or threatening the Swiss by saying there'll only be chocolate and Nazi gold.

(Last Week Tonight) - Brexit II

Frankreich England & Großbritannien Schweiz

Die NRA, eine Gruppe, die über Waffen entscheidet, wie wir anderen über Nutella. Ein bisschen ist gut, mehr ist besser und mir ist egal, wie schlecht es für mich ist, du musst es mir aus meinen kalten, toten Händen reißen.

The NRA, a group that feels about guns, the way the rest of us feels about Nutella. A little is good, more is better and you can tell me it's bad for me all you like, but you will pry it from my cold dead hands.

(Last Week Tonight) - NRA TV

Waffenlobby Nutella

During WWII, we rushed into developing nuclear weapons, because we were trying to defeat the nazis, who - fun fact - pretty much all Americans agreed were bad at the time.

(Last Week Tonight) - Nuclear Waste

Australia... not just the country where Russell Crowe lives, but very much the Russell Crowe of countries.

(Last Week Tonight)

Russell Crowe Australien

Genau wie Channing Tatum, wurde North Dakota plötzlich viel interessanter, als man feststellte, dass es voller Öl ist.

Like Channing Tatum, North Dakota suddenly turned out to be a lot more interesting, once it was covered in oil.

(Last Week Tonight) - North Dakota

Öl North Dakota Channing Tatum

Abstinenz ist eine gesunde Entscheidung, die viele Teenager treffen. Entweder aus freiem Willen, oder, ich kann das bezeugen, durch gegebene Umstände.

Abstinence is a healthy choice, that many teens will make. Either by choice, or, as I can attest, by circumstance.

(Last Week Tonight) - Sex Education

Sex Teenager

Home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship: Spending money, reconciling tastes, long-term planning and fluorescent lighting.

(Last Week Tonight) - Home Depot Commercial

9 out of the top 10 drug makers spent more on marketing, than they did on research. Drug companies are a bit like highschool boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside you, than being effective once they're in there.

(Last Week Tonight) - Marketing to Doctors

Highschool

They're exhausting to inflate, they scare the shit out of you when they pop, and uninflated they just look like a pile of clown-condoms.

Last Week Tonight - Boeing

Luftballons

I don't typically hop into the generation wars, because I've got a Gen X birth certificate and a boomer body.

(Last Week Tonight) - A History of Chuck E. Cheese

Gen X Baby Boomer

Die US Regierung kann nicht Milliarden von Dollar verschwenden, um Dinge in die Luft zu sprengen, mit der vagen Hoffnung, dass es ein Erfolg wird. Es sei denn natürlich, diese Dinge sind Irak oder Afghanistan. SpaceX war ein riskantes Geschäft.

The US government can't waste billions of dollars just blowing things up in the vague hope that it'll somehow turn into a success, unless of course those things are Iraq or Afghanistan. So SpaceX began with a big gamble.

Last Week Tonight - Dezember 2023

Irak Afghanistan

You have just constructed a straw man so large you could burn it in the desert and hold an annoying festival around it.

Last Week Tonight - Juni 2014

Burning Man

Das Vermögen der Royal Family ist, im Gegensatz zu ihrem Genpool, extrem groß.

The Royal Family's wealth, unline their gene pool, is massive.

(Last Week Tonight) - The Monarchy

Monarchie

KI ist ein Spiegel, der reflektiert, wer wir sind... von den besten - bis hin zu den schlechtesten Eigenschaften.

AI is ultimately a mirror and it will reflect back exactly who we are... from the best of us to the worst of us.

(Last Week Tonight)

Künstliche Intelligenz

Eine Kartell-artige Gruppe aus Arschlöchern und Kriminellen, die hin und wieder Fußballspiele veranstaltet.

A cartel-like group of scumbags and assaulted criminals who ocassionaly put on soccer matches.

(Last Week Tonight) - Qatar World Cup

FIFA (Verband)

Das Thema des Abends ist die Fußball Weltmeisterschaft. Quasi das selbe wie der Super Bowl, mit dem Unterschied, dass es dem Rest der Welt nicht am Arsch vorbei geht.

Our main story tonight concerns the World Cup. It's like the Super Bowl, except the rest of the world actually gives a f*ck.

(Last Week Tonight) - Qatar World Cup

Fußball Weltmeisterschaft 2022 Super Bowl

I don't open my beak to squak out good news. This thing pops open for sad news and porridge - and I'm all out of porridge right now.

(Last Week Tonight) - Carbon Offsets

The ridiculousness of thinking that some sort of global Illuminati wrote down their plot for killing of 95 % of humanity on a giant granit post-it note and left their secret plan somewhere no conservative would ever find it: rural Georgia.

(Last Week Tonight) - Rocks

Georgia

Machen wir weiter mit der Ukraine. Einem Land, von dem man, so wie beim menschlichen Blinddarm und Großmutter Mimi, nur hört, wenn etwas fürchterlich schief läuft.

Let's move on to Ukraine. A nation that, like the human appendix and your grandma Mimi, you only really hear about if something's gone horribly wrong.

(Last Week Tonight) - November 2015

Ukraine

Schweine sind wie große dicke Hunde, die man zu Weihnachten essen kann.

Pigs are like big chubby dogs you can eat at christmas.

(Last Week Tonight) - Prison Heat

Schweine

Es war schön, eine Amtseinführung zu erleben, ohne dabei ein schreckliches Gefühl zu haben.

It was nice to get to enjoy an inauguration without a pit of dread in your stomach.

Jimmy Kimmel Live! - Januar 2021, zur Amtseinführung von Joe Biden

Wenn du ein kleines, reiches, strategisch positioniertes Land mit Ölvorkommen bist, ist die ganze Welt dein Freund.

If you are a tiny, wealthy, strategically located country with oily business underneath you, the whole world is your friend.

(Last Week Tonight)

Öl Brunei

Nigeria... das Land dessen Prinz bestimmt bald einen Teil des Geldes, das er noch schuldig ist, schickt.

Nigeria... the country whose prince is going to be sending some of that money he owes any day now.

(Last Week Tonight)

Nigeria

Neuseeland... das Australien der Hobbits.

New Zealand... Hobbit's Australia.

(Last Week Tonight)

Der Hobbit Neuseeland Hobbits & Harfüße

Nordkorea... seit 70 Jahren in Folge ausgezeichnet als das "beste Korea" vom Nordkorea Magazin.

North Korea... named "Best Korea" for 70 years running by North Korea Magazine.

(Last Week Tonight)

Nordkorea

China... das Land, das für so viele technische Errungenschaften verantwortlich ist - und es trotzdem nicht schaffen, dass Pandas sich fortpflanzen.

China... the country responsible for huge technological advances and yet, it still can't seem to get pandas to fck.

(Last Week Tonight)

China Pandas

Indien... oder wie wir es mal genannt haben, Englands Gewürzschrank.

India... or as we once called it, Britain's spice rack.

(Last Week Tonight)

Indien

Dänemark... auch bekannt als "falsches Norwegen", "anderes Schweden" und "das ist nicht Finland".

Denmark... also known as "wrong Norway", "different Sweden" and "that's actually not Finland".

(Last Week Tonight)

Dänemark

Das Vereinigte Königreich... das Land, das der Welt die Beatles geschenkt und sie dann mit Coldplay bestraft hat.

The UK... the country that gave the world The Beatles and then punished it with Coldplay.

(Last Week Tonight)

The Beatles Coldplay England & Großbritannien

Großbritannien... Amerikas "Vorher" Foto.

The United Kingdom... America's "before" photo.

(Last Week Tonight)

England & Großbritannien

The United Kingdom... birthplace of The Beatles and yet very much, the world's Ringo.

(Last Week Tonight)

The Beatles England & Großbritannien

The UK... earth's least magic kingdom.

(Last Week Tonight)

England & Großbritannien

Belgien und Budweiser haben eine Sache gemeinsam: Die Deutschen erkennen nicht an, dass es existiert.

Though, Belgium does have one thing in common with Budweiser, historically speaking: Germans refuse to acknowledge it's even there.

(Last Week Tonight)

Belgien

Israel... drama-wise the opposite of Canada.

(Last Week Tonight)

Israel

Saudi Arabien... das Land in dem Schweinefleisch, Alkohol und P*rnos verboten sind - oder, wie man in Amerika sagt: ein Florida-Frühstück.

Saudi Arabia... the country with bans on pork, alcohol and p*rn - or, as it's known in America: a Florida Breakfast.

(Last Week Tonight)

Florida Saudi-Arabien

Russland... die zukünftige Heimat von 45 Millionen Ukrainern.

Russia... the future home of 45 million Ukrainians.

(Last Week Tonight)

Russland Ukraine

Sweden. Who hasn't spent 20 minutes in IKEA and immediately wanted to launch an attack on Sweden?

(Last Week Tonight)

Schweden IKEA

Norwegen... der linke Hoden des See-P-nis von Skandinavien.

Norway... the left t-sticle in the frigid sea p-nis of Scandinavia.

(Last Week Tonight)

Norwegen

Brazil... the country with the second most valuable Amazon on earth.

(Last Week Tonight)

Brasilien Amazon

Brazil... home of that one famous statue that I don't know the name of, 'cause I'm too embarrassed to google, "come at me bro jesus statue".

(Last Week Tonight)

Brasilien

Life isn't just a fairytale land of alpacas and pan flutes, Peru!

(Last Week Tonight)

Peru

Kanada - was dabei heraus kommt, wenn Amerika und England ein Baby bekommen und es im Schnee alleine lassen.

Canada - what you'd get if America and Britain had a baby they abandoned in the snow.

(Last Week Tonight)

Kanada

Irland... das Boston Europas.

Ireland... Europe's Boston.

(Last Week Tonight)

Irland Boston

The league should not ask anyone to miss the birth of their first child. That is a magic moment! Now, second child - that's negotiable. Same shit, different day. Third child - I'm not even sure the mother has to be there.

(Last Week Tonight) - Coronavirus VII: Sports

Basically, Amazon is the industry trend setter. They're the Michael Jackson of shipping: They're the best at what they do, everyone tries to imitate them, and nobody who learns a third thing about them is happy that they did.

(Last Week Tonight) - Warehouses

Michael Jackson Amazon

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I know it's true
It's all because of you
And if you go away
I know you could never stay

The Beatles - Now and Then

Harvey: "Er war ganz nett."
Dana: "Er war verärgert."
Harvey: "Das war verärgert? Wie sieht der Mann glücklich aus?"
Dana: "Er ist Brite, ist derselbe Gesichtsausdruck."

Dana Scott in Suits - Staffel 2 Episode 15

England & Großbritannien

Jedes Land hat seine eigene Mafia. In Russland hat die Mafia ihr eigenes Land.

Every country has its own mafia. In Russia, the mafia has its own country.

Garry Kasparov

Russland

But I don't understand why the Jeffrey Epstein case would be of interest to anybody. It's pretty boring stuff, it's sordid but it's boring and I don't understand why it keeps going.

Donald Trump - Juli 2025

The Epstein Files

Die Mathematik und ich gehen seit meinem 14. Lebensjahr getrennte Wege.

Russell Crowe

Mathematik

Zitate und Sprüche von John Oliver

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