Zitate und Sprüche von John Oliver

Deutschland... ein Land, das seinen Kindern Märchen erzählt, in denen zwei Kinder zum Sterben im Wald alleine gelassen, fast gekocht und gegessen werden, und dann eine alte Frau ermorden.

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

Russland... der Vorgänger und Nachfolger der Sowjetunion.

Russia... the prequel and sequel to the Sowjet Union.

Russland... das Land, das der Welt Tetris und eventuell den 45. Präsidenten der Vereinigten Staaten gegeben hat.

Russia... the country that gave the world Tetris, merkins you wear on your heads, and potentially the 45th President of the United States.

Griechenland... die jüngste Griechische Tragödie.

Greece... the most recent Greek Tragedy.

Die NRA, eine Gruppe, die über Waffen entscheidet, wie wir anderen über Nutella. Ein bisschen ist gut, mehr ist besser und mir ist egal, wie schlecht es für mich ist, du musst es mir aus meinen kalten, toten Händen reißen.

The NRA, a group that feels about guns, the way the rest of us feels about Nutella. A little is good, more is better and you can tell me it's bad for me all you like, but you will pry it from my cold dead hands.

During WWII, we rushed into developing nuclear weapons, because we were trying to defeat the nazis, who - fun fact - pretty much all Americans agreed were bad at the time.

Like Channing Tatum, North Dakota suddenly turned out to be a lot more interesting, once it was covered in oil.

Abstinence is a healthy choice, that many teens will make. Either by choice, or, as I can attest, by circumstance.

Home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship: Spending money, reconciling tastes, long-term planning and fluorescent lighting.

9 out of the top 10 drug makers spent more on marketing, than they did on research. Drug companies are a bit like highschool boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside you, than being effective once they're in there.

The ridiculousness of thinking that some sort of global Illuminati wrote down their plot for killing of 95 % of humanity on a giant granit post-it note and left their secret plan somewhere no conservative would ever find it: rural Georgia.

Machen wir weiter mit der Ukraine. Einem Land, von dem man, so wie beim menschlichen Blinddarm und Großmutter Mimi, nur hört, wenn etwas fürchterlich schief läuft.

Let's move on to Ukraine. A nation that, like the human appendix and your grandma Mimi, you only really hear about if something's gone horribly wrong.

Schweine sind wie große dicke Hunde, die man zu Weihnachten essen kann.

Pigs are like big chubby dogs you can eat at christmas.

Es war schön, eine Amtseinführung zu erleben, ohne dabei ein schreckliches Gefühl zu haben.

It was nice to get to enjoy an inauguration without a pit of dread in your stomach.

Wenn du ein kleines, reiches, strategisch positioniertes Land mit Ölvorkommen bist, ist die ganze Welt dein Freund.

If you are a tiny, wealthy, strategically located country with oily business underneath you, the whole world is your friend.

Australien... Heimat aller Tiere, die eigentlich längst ausgestorben sein sollten.

Australia... home of every animal that seems like it should already be extinct.

Nigeria... das Land dessen Prinz bestimmt bald einen Teil des Geldes, das er noch schuldet, schickt.

Nigeria... the country whose prince is going to be sending some of that money he owes any day now.

Neuseeland... das Australien der Hobbits.

New Zealand... Hobbit's Australia.

Nordkorea... seit 70 Jahren in Folge ausgezeichnet als das "beste Korea" vom Nordkorea Magazin.

North Korea... named "Best Korea" for 70 years running by North Korea Magazine.

China... das Land, das für so viele technische Errungenschaften verantwortlich ist - und es trotzdem nicht schaffen, dass Pandas sich fortpflanzen.

China... the country responsible for huge technological advances and yet, it still can't seem to get pandas to fck.

Indien... oder wie wir es mal genannt haben, Englands Gewürzschrank.

India... or as we once called it, Britain's spice rack.

Dänemark... auch bekannt als "falsches Norwegen", "anderes Schweden" und "das ist nicht Finland".

Denmark... also known as "wrong Norway", "different Sweden" and "that's actually not Finland".

Das Vereinigte Königreich... das Land, das der Welt die Beatles geschenkt und sie dann mit Coldplay bestraft hat.

The UK... the country that gave the world The Beatles and then punished it with Coldplay.

Großbritannien... Amerikas "Vorher" Foto.

The United Kingdom... America's "before" photo.

The United Kingdom... birthplace of The Beatles and yet very much, the world's Ringo.

The UK... earth's least magic kingdom.

Belgien und Budweiser haben eine Sache gemeinsam: Die Deutschen erkennen nicht an, dass es existiert.

Though, Belgium does have one thing in common with Budweiser, historically speaking: Germans refuse to acknowledge it's even there.

Israel... drama-wise the opposite of Canada.

Saudi Arabien... das Land in dem Schweinefleisch, Alkohol und Pornos verboten sind - oder, wie man in Amerika sagt: ein Florida-Frühstück.

Saudi Arabia... the country with bans on pork, alcohol and porn - or, as it's known in America: a Florida Breakfast.

Russland... die zukünftige Heimat von 45 Millionen Ukrainern.

Russia... the future home of 45 million Ukrainians.

Sweden. Who hasn't spent 20 minutes in IKEA and immediately wanted to launch an attack on Sweden?

Norwegen... der linke Hoden des See-P-nis von Skandinavien.

Norway... the left testicle in the frigid sea p-nis of Scandinavia.

Brazil... the country with the second most valuable Amazon on earth.

Brazil... home of that one famous statue that I don't know the name of, 'cause I'm too embarrassed to google, "come at me bro jesus statue".

Life isn't just a fairytale land of alpacas and pan flutes, Peru!

Kanada - was dabei heraus kommt, wenn Amerika und England ein Baby bekommen und es im Schnee alleine lassen.

Canada - what you'd get if America and Britain had a baby they abandoned in the snow.

Irland... das Boston Europas.

Ireland... Europe's Boston.

The league should not ask anyone to miss the birth of their first child. That is a magic moment! Now, second child - that's negotiable. Same shit, different day. Third child - I'm not even sure the mother has to be there.

Basically, Amazon is the industry trend setter. They're the Michael Jackson of shipping: They're the best at what they do, everyone tries to imitate them, and nobody who learns a third thing about them is happy that they did.

The United Kingdom... a place whose very name after this week's events is beginning to sound a bit sarcastic.

That twerking pig may actually be the perfect embodiment of the entire Brexit situation. It's in motion already, we're all powerless to stop it and it is impossible to look away.

Den Briten damit zu drohen, dass nur Salz und Essig auf den Tisch kommt, ist als würde man den Franzosen mit Wein und Baguette drohen, oder den Schweizern mit Schokolade und Nazigold.

Threatening the British by saying there will be only salt and vinegar on the table, is like threatening the French by saying there will only be wine and baguettes, or threatening the Swiss by saying there'll only be chocolate and Nazi gold.

David Cameron announced he is stepping down in the wake of a vote, which should make me happy, but it doesn’t. It’s like catching an ice cream cone out of the air, because a child has been hit by a car. I’ll eat it! But it’s tainted somehow.

Accusing America of creating Venzuela's crisis is about as fair as accusing O.J. Simpson of murdering Princess Diana. I'm not saying it would be completly out of character, it just happens to not be true in this particular instance.

It's interesting how your feelings on sueing the government can change a lot, based on who is saying it. It's like how, 'I'm getting off here', is a fine thing for someone to say, if they're standing next to the door of a train. But it's a rude thing to say, if they are masturbating on that same train.

Calling Facebook a toilet is a little unfair to toilets. Because they make shit go away, whereas Facebook retains shit.

Our main story tonight concerns Facebook, the worst place to wish Happy Birthday to a friend, other than a funeral.

Trade. The basic system of barter exchange that you have to do really carefully or you'll end up with Dwight Howard.

[..] weiter zu einer unschönen Geschichte über ein Schamhaar in einer Cola Dose. Das widerlichste, was man in einer Cola Dose vorfinden kann - abgesehen von Pepsi.

[..] to an infamous story about a pubic hair in a coke can. Which is the most disgusting thing you could possibly discover in a coke can - other than Pepsi.

Senior citizens, the people who stay active by playing shuffleboard, going on walks or performing their hit-song 'I can't get no satisfaction' in front of packed arenas around the world.