Zitate und Sprüche von Jimmy Kimmel

The circus came back to town in Washington for the second impeachment trial of Donald OJ. Trump.

Trump's leaving office with his lowest approval rating yet. It's down to 29%. Which, for someone who recently incited a insurrection to overthrow the government isn't bad. Honestly, what would he have to do to get below 20%, Eat the constitution? Trump has the lowest average approval rating of any president in the modern era. The only one to leave office with a lower rating than that was Kevin Spacey.

If Martin Luther King were alive today, he would probably watch the news and go, "let me be more specific about this dream I had."

When someone with a beard attacks us, we tap phones, we invoke travel-bans, we build walls we take care of every possible precaution to make sure it doesn't happen again. But when an American buys a gun and kills other Americans, then there's nothing we can do about that? Second ammendment, I guess. Our forfathers wanted us to have AK-47s is the argument, I assume.

Apple is believed to be partnering with American Express on a new mobile payment system, that would replace carrying credit cards around. That way, you can lose your naked pictures and all your money in one easy step.

They have a new high-end iPhone called the iPhone 5S. The 'S' stands for 'shut up and give us your money'.

This is about as close as America gets to having a royal baby; Apple unveiling a new iPhone.

I feel like at this point, Apple's releasing products, just to see if there's anything we won't buy.

For every $1 we could raise, they'll remove one pound of plastic from the ocean. We're trying to raise $30 million by the end of the year.

I'm having a really good time. The costume's probably slightly different than you might expect. But to go back into the role [of Obi-Wan] is great.

It was nice to get to enjoy an inauguration without a pit of dread in your stomach.

I wish we had somebody in a leadership position in the White House who would bring people together.

What ever I would do, I would be the one I am today. I chose football and I'm sorry for the other fans that are cheering for other sports, because it would be the same thing.

People told me, "When you come to Los Angeles, don't worry, you can walk on the streets" But since day one, it's busy everywhere. But it's my own fault. 'Cause when you play the way I do, I mean.

I wanted to give Los Angeles a gift. I was thinking a long time. And then one day it came like: I should give myself.

"Is Kumail Nanjiani's d*ck multiple colors?"
"Yes. Every shade of your mom's lipstick. And her b*tthole."

I've been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. This is like when I lost my virginity, except this is gonna last way longer than one second.

While Walz pretends to support Americans in the Heartland, when the cameras are off, he believes that rural America is "mostly cows and rocks". Walz is obsessed with spreading California's dangerously liberal agenda far and wide.

I am for electric cars. I have to be, because Elon endorsed me very strongly. So, I have no choice.

I have decided that the person best suited to assume the position of Vice President of the United States is Senator J.D. Vance of the Great State of Ohio

I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it - Jeffrey enjoys his social life.

In order to make America great and glorious again, I am tonight announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.

I'm not going to say it right now. So, everybody, I promise you, in the very next - very, very, very short period of time, you're going to be so happy.

No wonder the city never sleeps, it's too busy trying to get laid.

There are eight million people in this city. And those teeming masses exist for the sole purpose of lifting the few exceptional people onto their shoulders.

Gerald Broflovski: "Well that does it, I'm going to the police!"
Stan: "For what?"
Gerald Broflovski: "To find out where Apple is keeping my son."
Stan: "Dude, when the police want to know where somebody is, they ask Apple!"

Jacob: "Are you Steve Jobs?"
Cal: "What?"
Jacob: "Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?"
Cal: "No."
Jacob: "Oh, OK. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever."

You can make something big when young that will carry you through life. Look at all the big startups like Microsoft, Apple, Google, Facebook, Twitter, etc. They were all started by very young people who stumbled on something of unseen value. You'll know it when you hit a home run.

Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.

It's better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you're not.

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.

You're like the iPhone 5 of German TV hosts. Thin, light and unnecessarily tall.

I feel like I've got feet firmly in different camps. Between the right of gun ownership and public safety.