Zitate und Sprüche von Jake Harper

Alan: "You can't stay here alone."
Jake: "Why not?"
Alan: "You know why not."
Jake: "But you don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore."

Alan: "We judge a person by what's inside and not by what they wear."
Jake: "Lucky for you, huh?"

Jake: "We had a surprise test today."
Alan: "And?"
Jake: "I was really surprised."

Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

Well, listen, just remember, that love will get u through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.

Alan: "Why don't you get a vasectomy?"
Charlie: "I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago I believe there was a petition circulating."

The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids."
Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken sex and make it sound dirty."

Alan: "What are you afraid off?"
Charlie: "I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child."

Alan: "When a boy becomes a man - and that's what you're becoming - he has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things."
Charlie: "Like the truth."

Alan: "Charlie, there's a half naked woman in our kitchen!"
Charlie: "Which half?"

It doesn't matter if you win or loose, it's whether or not you beat the spread.

Charlie: "Don't cry, we can still be friends!"
Alan: "What?"
Charlie: "I'm sorry, it's the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here."

Judith: "I'm very concerned, he's just a child. I don't know if he can deal with this."
Charlie: "Give your son some credit, he's an incredible kid."
Judith: "I was talking about you!"

Alan: "Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears."
Charlie: "Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate."

Charlie: "You know who wrote that song? Your uncle Charlie wrote that!"
Jake: "No lie?"
Charlie: "Kid if I was gonna lie, it would've been 'Stairway To Heaven' and not 'The Maple-Loops-Song'."

Dont worry, there's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.

Be sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in Vegas!

I give you a hint: I didn't do the dog 'people-style'.

Alan: "Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?"
Charlie: "Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag."

Lord. You blessed me with a lot: more money than I know what to do with, a beautiful home, and a surprisingly resilient liver. You have truly given unto me with both hands, which brings me to my request.

Of all the gifts yo've bestowed upon me, none are a greater testament to your glory than Chelsea's heavenly breasts. I don't know why you couldn't have thrown in a sturdy spine so she could tote those things around, but who am I to question your methods?

Anyway, you probably know that she's thinking about tampering with your great work, and I was just hoping that you could, you know that, talk to her, return her to the path of righteousness and bodaciousness. Amen.

Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan. Or the butterfly. All of God's creature are perfect just the way He made them. Except you. You suck.

Charlie: "Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a wh*re-house."
Alan: "Excuse me?"
Charlie: "You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed - and you don't want to pay for it!"

Kiara: "They're gonna have Japanese toilets with towel warmers."
JJ: "Of course. Why wouldn't they?"
Kiara: "This used to be a turtle habitat, but who cares about the turtles, I guess?"
JJ: "I can't have cold towels."

If you ever meet a sea turtle, make sure to ask how old he is.

Jack: "What an unexpected surprise!"
Kate: "All surprises are unexpected."

Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.

Walden: "Money does not buy happiness!"
Alan: "I wouldn't know, I never had either."

Walden: "Let this be a warning to you, Alan. There're women out there, that will be nice to you, just to get to your money."
Alan: "Thanks, but that's not very high on my list of concerns."

Lindsey: "You're tall, good looking, very successful. Believe me, women settle for a lot less!"
Alan: "And thank god for that!"

Charlie: "Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise."
Berta: "You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?"

It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.

I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.

One downside of our big brains is we're the only creatures who are aware that death is inevitable. Although, if you lined ten dogs in a row and shot them one by one, the dog on the end would probably get the gist by about dog four.