Die besten Sprüche von Eric Cartman

All I think about is all the problems our generation is inheriting. Climate change, over fishing, Kyle... I mean, how are we supposed to get happy about anything?

Do you know what love is, Scott? I'll tell you one thing, it's not the happy ending that Disney movies promised us. There's no 'happily ever after'. There's just work and anger and pain and more work, and then, every once in a while, a little bit of fun.

Wilson Aubry: "You victimize innocent people and poop in little girls' mouths."
Eric Cartman: "That's not true, Wilson. We're Coon and Friends, not Harvey Weinstein."

When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.

[Playing Chatroulette with Kyle] This is the way the world works, if you want to find some quality friends you have to wade through all the dicks fist.

Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic and making the world safe for pedophiles?

Do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at? Tell him, Kyle!

Stan: "Dude, it actually wasn't a dolphin and a whale who bombed hiroshima, it was the..."
Cartman: "Dude, they won't rest until whoever is responsible is completely wiped out!"

Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman.

Cartman: "Went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on."
Stan: "You didn't die?"
Cartman: "Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore."

Terrorist: "America had other enemies before the Muslims, you know? Who is America's oldest enemy?"
Cartman: "The Russians?"
Terrorist: "Before that!"
Cartman: "The Germans?"
Terrorist: "Before that."
Cartman: "The Germans again?"

The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!

Cartman: "Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it..."
Stan: "And then what?"
Cartman: "...and then you pee on them!"
Kyle: "No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!"
Cartman: "Really? Oh well."

I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!

Stan: "Dude, I wonder where Kyle is."
Cartman: "Maybe he caught a disease and died, that'd be so awesome."
Stan: "Dude that's not funny, you shouldn't joke about that."
Cartman: "Who's joking?"

What's the matter, you got some sand in your v-gina?

But, years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, where you could have made a difference. Where you could've told Scott Tenorman: 'You may take our pride, but you will never take my god damn $16.12!'

Stan: "Dude, we don't have any musical talent."
Cartman: "That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!"

We're trying to find the Brown Noise, it's this one pitch, this certain frequency, that makes people loose bowel control.

If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack, and blow your balls all over your pants!

Stan: "What the hell are you doing?"
Cartman: "My mom said lesbians lick carpet."

Cartman: "I sneaked around my mom's closet and saw what I'm getting: the Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000."
Stan: "What's that?"
Cartman: "I don't know, but it sounds sweet."

Stan: "Dolphins are intelligent and friendly!"
Cartman: "Intelligent and friendly on rye bread."
Stan: "Dolphins are smarter than you!"
Cartman: "Then why do they live in igloos?"
Stan: "That's not dolphins, that's Eskimos!"
Cartman: "Who cares? It's tree-hugging hippie crap."

Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire!

Cartman: "Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it..."
Stan: "And then what?"
Cartman: "...and then you pee on them!"

I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the same sentence before.

I would never let a woman kick my ass! If she tried anything, I'd be like "Hey! Get your b*tch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"

I love life. Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like... it makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

A bl*wjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart. Now get on your knees and put that heart to work.

Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny... and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real?

Stan: "Rings that say they not gonna have sex or doing anything naughty anymore."
Butters: "A ring that says you'll be together but not have sex... isn't that called the wedding ring?"

Mr. Garrison: "Then maybe you can tell me who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early sixties."
Eric Cartman: "A bunch of fat old sk-nks on their periods?"
Mr. Garrison: "Right, but who was the fattest oldest sk-nk on her period?"

Teacher: "You think art is not important?"
Stan: "Well, art is just kinda for gaywads."
Butters: "I love our class!"
Stan: "See?!"

Chefkoch: "Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him."
Stan: "Marry him?"
Chefkoch: "It definitely worked for every woman i ever met."

Gerald Broflovski: "Well that does it, I'm going to the police!"
Stan: "For what?"
Gerald Broflovski: "To find out where Apple is keeping my son."
Stan: "Dude, when the police want to know where somebody is, they ask Apple!"

Cartman: "After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous."
Wendy: "Hitler was famous too."

Stan: "Whatever, you fat b*tch."
Ms. Crabtree: "What did you say?!"
Stan: "I said, I have a bad itch."

Randy: "Can't you see that if we fall to New Jersey, California is next?"
Schwarzenegger: "No, because Utah is between Colorado and California."
Randy: "Fine. Well, when Utah gets taken over by New Jersey, then who's next?"
Schwarzenegger: "Nevada."
Randy: "Oh really? Okay Mr. 'I'm Awesome at Geography'!"

Towelie had a girlfriend he really liked. Then she got pregnant and had a little wash cloth.

Stan: "I know what did cause the flood."
Kyle: "George Bush?"
Stan: "No!"
Kyle: "Terrorists?"
Stan: "No!"
Kyle: "Communists?"
Stan: "Nein!"
Kyle: "Chinese radicals"
Stan: "Nein!"
Kyle: "Cartman?"
Stan: "Sort of..."

Stan: "We're not getting on, you ugly b*tch!"
Ms. Crabtree: "What did you say?!"
Stan: "I said, we're not getting on, you ugly b*tch!"
Ms. Crabtree: "Oh, all right then."
Kyle: "Woah, dude.'"
Stan: "I always wondered if that would work."

If you've been sexually harassed or assaulted write "me too" as a reply to this tweet.

It's the way it works: Love plus time minus distance equals hate.

Dizzy: "My mother always told me that violence doesn't solve anything."
Jean Rasczak: "Really? I wonder what the city founders of Hiroshima would have to say about that."
Carmen: "They wouldn't say anything. Hiroshima was destroyed."
Jean Rasczak: "Correct. Naked force has resolved more conflicts throughout history than any other factor. The contrary opinion, that violence doesn't solve anything, is wishful thinking at its worst. People who forget that always die."

If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all.