Zitate und Sprüche von Dwight Schrute

Wo ist das Problem? Grunzen führt zu erhöhtem Kraftausstoß. Frag irgendne Tennisspielerin, oder gleich ihren Mann.

What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player, or her husband.

Ich sag's wie es ist. Fußball. Frauenfußball. Das eine ist ein Sport, das andere ist ein Witz. Ich liebe Sport, ich liebe Witze. Platz für alle.

What's the argument here? NBA. WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.

Mein perfekter Valentinstag? Ich bin Zuhause, drei Handys vor mir auf dem Tisch, und ständig Anrufe von Verzweifelten, die mir meine Restaurant Reservierungen abkaufen wollen, die ich ein halbes Jahr zuvor gemacht habe.

My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.

Ein Pferd ist ein Fahrrad, das selber tritt.

A horse is a bike that pedals itself.

Ich habe einen Termin mit dem Pferdedoktor. Wie konnte das Pferd ein Doktor werden, keine Ahnung. War nur ein Scherz. Er ist ein normaler Doktor, der Pferden in den Kopf schießt, wenn sie ein gebrochenes Bein haben.

I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Nah, I'm kdding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Bob: "Was dagegen, wenn ich mir meine Frau stehle?"
Dwight: "Du kannst nicht stehlen, was rechtmäßig dein Eigentum ist."

Bob: "Mind if I steal my wife?"
Dwight: "You can't steal what is legally your property."

Die Schrutes feiern keinen Geburtstag, Idiot. Während der großen Depression fing es als Notwendigkeit an und später wurde daraus eine tolle Tradition. Ich freue mich jedes Jahr darauf.

Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality, and then moved to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.

Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

I like the people I work with, generally. With four exceptions. But someone committed a crime. And I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends. And, by the way, I haven't.

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy!

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life.

The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts... not for me, for my children - the Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I'm better at hiding than they are... at vision.

All right. Who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it, so I can punish them.

Schrute: "Never been sick. Perfect immune system."
Jim: "Well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies."
Schrute: "I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute."

I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is: Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. And I'm dead.
Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Er hat meine Sachen schon wieder in Götterspeise eingegossen! Ist wirklich der absolute Knaller. Das dritte mal - und schon die beiden ersten male waren nicht witzig!

He put my stuff in Jell-O again! That's real professional. Thanks. This is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim!