Zitate und Sprüche von Craig Kilborn

Eine Telefonumfrage besagt, dass sich 51 Prozent aller Studenten mindestens einmal im Monat bis zum Umfallen betrinken. Die restlichen 49 Prozent sind nicht ans Telefon gegangen.

A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

Studium & Uni

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

Keith Richards

Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with "Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein."

George W. Bush

I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.

Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.

Hillary Clinton

People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.

Los Angeles

Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, "The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova."

In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.

Boston Red Sox

As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings.

George W. Bush

Today Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge lowered the terror alert from orange to yellow. Does anybody need 16 miles of duct tape?

I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population.

On Sunday, the president flies to the Azores islands to attend a summit with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar, and here's my prediction: Bush gets voted off.

As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day.

I have a wonderful respect for old people.

President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield.

Jerry Lewis

President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the "War on Jobs".

There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'

In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there.

Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card.

John F. Kerry

Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for Martha - stripes are back in this year.

Martha Stewart

It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses.

Here in California, one candidate for governor is a 100-year-old woman. She's going door-to-door and asking one simple question - "Do I live here?"

There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, "I do."

John F. Kerry

In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy.

Irak

A study shows breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness... from all the free drinks.

Brüste

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If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show

New York Jets

Spotify, die App mit Liedern der gesamten Musikgeschichte, die wir ausschließlich dafür nutzen, die selben vier Lieder immer wieder zu hören.

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

Spotify

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2020

Barbie

Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

New York City

Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

Impfstoffe

Meine Damen und Herren, dies ist ein schwieriger Zeitpunkt für Amerika. Ich werde gleich zurück nach Washington reisen. Heute ist eine nationale Tragödie geschehen. In einem terroristischen Anschlag auf unser Land sind zwei Flugzeuge in das World Trade Center gestürzt.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a difficult moment for America. I, unfortunately, will be going back to Washington after my remarks. Today we've had a national tragedy. Two airplanes have crashed into the World Trade Center in an apparent terrorist attack on our country.

George W. Bush - September 2001

2001 11. September

Daraus folgt ein Fehlen politischer Balance und Kontrollen in Russland. Die Entscheidung eines einzelnen Mannes, eine ungerechtfertigte und brutale Invasion auf den Irak zu starten...- ich meine auf die Ukraine.

The result is an absence of checks and balances in Russia. The decision of one man to launch a wholly unjustified and brutal invasion of Iraq...- I mean of Ukraine.

George W. Bush - Mai 2022

Irak

Ich habe mein eigenes Bild von Führungspersönlichkeiten. Ein Anführer ist jemand, der Menschen zusammen bringt.

I have a different vision of leadership. A leader is someone who brings people together.

George W. Bush

Anführer

Der Klimawandel ist real. Die Wissenschaft ist überzeugend. Je länger wir warten, desto schwieriger wird es, das Problem zu lösen.

Climate change is real. The science is compelling. And the longer we wait, the harder the problem will be to solve.

John F. Kerry

Klimawandel

Think about this: terrorism, epidemics, poverty, the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction-all challenges that know no borders-the reality is that climate change ranks right up there with every single one of them.

John F. Kerry

Each and every child in this country is valuable because they are our future as a society. We cannot afford to lose a single child to ill-health, under-education, abuse, addiction, jail, or gun violence. America's highest goal should be for every child to grow up to be a successful young adult -- healthy, educated, free, secure, and a good citizen.

John F. Kerry

Ein Arzt hat mir mal gesagt, ich hätte nur noch sechs Monate zu leben. Aber ich habe es ihm nicht übel genommen. Ich war sogar bei seiner Beerdigung.

Some doctor told me I had six months to live and I went to his funeral.

Keith Richards

Ich habe nie versucht etwas zu erreichen. Alles was ich erreicht habe, habe ich erreicht, weil ich ein Teil der Rolling Stones war.

I've never tried to achieve anything. I achieved everything I wanted to achieve by being in the Rolling Stones and making records.

Keith Richards

The Rolling Stones

An diesem Wochenende werden Millionen von Amerikanern Cinco de Mayo feiern und der Geschichte und dem Mut der mexikanischen Bevölkerung gedenken. Dieser Tag des Stolzes und des Feierns für mexikanische Amerikaner wird auf Grund unserer starken historischen, kulturellen und wirtschaftlichen Verbindung zu Mexiko von ganz Amerika begangen. Es ist eine Möglichkeit, der vielen Wege zu gedenken, in denen mexikanische Amerikaner unsere Kultur bereichert haben.

This weekend, millions of Americans will celebrate Cinco de Mayo and pay tribute to the rich history and courage of the Mexican people. This day of pride and celebration for Mexican Americans has been embraced by Americans of all backgrounds as a tribute to our deep historical, cultural and economic ties to Mexico. It is an opportunity to recognize the many ways in which Mexican Americans enrich the country with their culture.

Hillary Clinton

Mexiko Cinco de Mayo

Keiner von uns sollte eine Zukunft akzeptieren, in der unsere Töchter und Enkelinnen weniger Rechte haben, als wir.

None of us should accept a future in which our daughters and granddaughters have fewer rights than we did.

Hillary Clinton - Mai 2022

Töchter Frauenrechte

Es gibt sicher viele Gründe für die Scheidung, aber der Hauptgrund ist und bleibt die Hochzeit.

Jerry Lewis

Hochzeit Scheidung

Mit Humor kann man Frauen am leichtesten verführen, denn die meisten Frauen lachen gerne, bevor sie anfangen zu küssen.

Jerry Lewis

Küssen Verführung

Die Natur inspiriert mich. Ich betrachte Mutter Natur jeden Tag und lasse mich von ihr inspirieren.

I'm very inspired by nature - you could say Mother Nature. I look at things around me and get all kinds of inspiration daily.

Martha Stewart

Natur & Umwelt

You can be the most beautiful person on Earth, and if you don't have a fitness or diet routine, you won't be beautiful.

Martha Stewart

Habe nun, ach! Philosophie,
Juristerei und Medizin,
Und leider auch Theologie!
Durchaus studiert, mit heißem Bemühn,
Da steh ich nun, ich armer Tor!
Und bin so klug als wie zuvor.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe in Faust

Wissen Studium & Uni

Das ist L.A. Die Leute hier beten alles an und würdigen nichts.

That's L.A. They worship everything and they value nothing.

Sebastian Wilder in La La Land

Los Angeles

So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.

David Letterman

New York Yankees Boston Red Sox

Die US Regierung kann nicht Milliarden von Dollar verschwenden, um Dinge in die Luft zu sprengen, mit der vagen Hoffnung, dass es ein Erfolg wird. Es sei denn natürlich, diese Dinge sind Irak oder Afghanistan. SpaceX war ein riskantes Geschäft.

The US government can't waste billions of dollars just blowing things up in the vague hope that it'll somehow turn into a success, unless of course those things are Iraq or Afghanistan. So SpaceX began with a big gamble.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight - Dezember 2023

Irak Afghanistan

Probleme sind für mich wie Brüste, wenn du die anfasst, macht's am meisten Spaß.

Bernd Stromberg in Stromberg - Der Film

Probleme Brüste

Bücher wie Harry Potter sind toll, trotz der dicken Kinder, die in Dortmund bei ihrem Versuch, nach Hogwarts zu kommen, von der Bahnhofsmauer abprallen.

Torsten Sträter - Als ich in meinem Alter war

Hogwarts Muggel Zitate über Harry Potter

Zitate und Sprüche von Craig Kilborn

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