Zitate und Sprüche von Alan Harper

Well, listen, just remember, that love will get u through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.

Walden: "Money does not buy happiness!"
Alan: "I wouldn't know, I never had either."

Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

Be sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in Vegas!

Walden: "Let this be a warning to you, Alan. There're women out there, that will be nice to you, just to get to your money."
Alan: "Thanks, but that's not very high on my list of concerns."

Lindsey: "You're tall, good looking, very successful. Believe me, women settle for a lot less!"
Alan: "And thank god for that!"

I know what you said you wanted, but I really dont think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes.

[talking to Charlie's urn] Here we are, buddy. Just like old times, I'm talking and you're in a bottle, ignoring me.

I give you a hint: I didn't do the dog 'people-style'.

What happened? Did Starbucks merge with Hooters? Hooterbucks - I'd like a Double-D Cup Latte, please!

I could sprinkle you on the beach. It's simple, it's dignified and pretty girls covered with oil will be sitting on you all day. And like your life, except for the dignified part.

Alan: "Why don't you get a vasectomy?"
Charlie: "I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago I believe there was a petition circulating."

The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids."
Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken sex and make it sound dirty."

Alan: "What are you afraid off?"
Charlie: "I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child."

Alan: "When a boy becomes a man - and that's what you're becoming - he has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things."
Charlie: "Like the truth."

Alan: "You can't stay here alone."
Jake: "Why not?"
Alan: "You know why not."
Jake: "But you don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore."

Alan: "We judge a person by what's inside and not by what they wear."
Jake: "Lucky for you, huh?"

Alan: "Charlie, there's a half naked woman in our kitchen!"
Charlie: "Which half?"

It doesn't matter if you win or loose, it's whether or not you beat the spread.

Charlie: "Don't cry, we can still be friends!"
Alan: "What?"
Charlie: "I'm sorry, it's the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here."

Judith: "I'm very concerned, he's just a child. I don't know if he can deal with this."
Charlie: "Give your son some credit, he's an incredible kid."
Judith: "I was talking about you!"

Alan: "Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears."
Charlie: "Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate."

Charlie: "You know who wrote that song? Your uncle Charlie wrote that!"
Jake: "No lie?"
Charlie: "Kid if I was gonna lie, it would've been 'Stairway To Heaven' and not 'The Maple-Loops-Song'."

Dont worry, there's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.

Alan: "Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?"
Charlie: "Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag."

Lord. You blessed me with a lot: more money than I know what to do with, a beautiful home, and a surprisingly resilient liver. You have truly given unto me with both hands, which brings me to my request.

Of all the gifts yo've bestowed upon me, none are a greater testament to your glory than Chelsea's heavenly breasts. I don't know why you couldn't have thrown in a sturdy spine so she could tote those things around, but who am I to question your methods?

Anyway, you probably know that she's thinking about tampering with your great work, and I was just hoping that you could, you know that, talk to her, return her to the path of righteousness and bodaciousness. Amen.

Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan. Or the butterfly. All of God's creature are perfect just the way He made them. Except you. You suck.

Charlie: "Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a wh*re-house."
Alan: "Excuse me?"
Charlie: "You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed - and you don't want to pay for it!"

Charlie: "Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise."
Berta: "You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?"

Charlie: "With his grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around."
Alan: "Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?"
Charlie: "No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless."

It's great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people.

Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.

You don't have to brush all your teeth - just the ones you intend on keeping.

We stole the Statue of Liberty! The small one, from Las Vegas. I won't even mention the Eiffel Tower - also Vegas.

If you want more sex, just ask for it.

Dude, I don't want to talk about Lacey's prom shoes. And I'll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It's called a penis.

Hercules, huh? That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn - there he is.

Jake: "We had a surprise test today."
Alan: "And?"
Jake: "I was really surprised."

It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.