Zitate und Sprüche von Weird Al Yankovic

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

How can you get bored if the audience is cheering and laughing at something you're doing?

You fake something until you're good at it.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

One of my pet peeves is that sometimes the talents of my band get overlooked because, and it was the same problem that Frank Zappa had, with a lot of groups that use humor, people don't realize there's a lot of craft behind the comedy.

California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.

New Mexico. It's another state. I mean, it's like California, just less traffic.

We all have our little faults. Mine's in California.

All creative people should be required to leave California for three months every year.

Helsinki may not be as cold as you make it out to be, but California is still a lot nicer. I don't remember the last time I couldn't walk around in shorts all day.

The apparent ease of California life is an illusion, and those who believe the illusion real live here in only the most temporary way.

Things are tough all over, cupcake. An' it rains on the just an' the unjust alike... except in California.

I read the Life magazine articles about free love and free dope in California. At age 20 I drove to Los Angeles.

That's the great thing about California, you can almost go to the mountains and almost go to the beach on the same day.

You know what's remarkable? That England looks in no way like Southern California.

It's the edge of the world
And all of Western civilization
The sun may rise in the east
At least it's settled in a final location
It's understood that Hollywood sells Californication

I drank when I was pregnant with you, you turned out fine. There's everybody saying 'don't drink, don't smoke'. I swear - Texas is turning into California.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a flight to California - and that's pretty much the same thing.

If you end up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

Reality is what it is, not what you want it to be.

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons and 85% morons.

Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to the test, usually find it to be an 'inconvenience.' We have opted instead for an authoritarian system disguised as a Democracy. We pay through the nose for an enormous joke-of-a-government, let it push us around, and then wonder how all those assholes got in there.

There are only two things to remember. Number one...Don't Stop, and number two...Keep Going!

The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.

Power will be maintained by the groovy guy or gal who gets the most media coverage for his sleaze. Naturally, his friends in various businesses will do okay, too.

Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.

It gets harder the more you know. Because the more you find out the uglier everything seems.

I'm vile and perverted. I'm obsessed and deranged. I've existed for years but very little has changed. I'm the tool of the government and industry too. For I'm destined to rule and regulate you. You may think I'm pernicious, but you can't look away. I'll make you think I'm delicious with the stuff that I say. I'm the best you can get... have you guessed me yet? I'm the slime oozing out of your TV set.

Schools train people to be ignorant, with style. They give you the equipment that you need to be a functional ignoramus. American schools* do not equip you to deal with things like logic; they don't give you the criteria by which to judge between good and bad in any medium or format; and they prepare you to be a usable victim for military-industrial complex that needs manpower.

Penny: "Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello."
Leonard: "Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough."

She is cheating. No one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.

Marshall: "When a woman puts on an engagement ring, it's like when Bilbo Baggins wears the One Ring in The Hobbit."
Robin: "Okay, can you say that again, but not in nerd?"
Marshall: "Sure. Uh, the ring is like the cloak that Harry Potter wears to sneak around Hogwarts."
Robin: "Yeah, I don't speak virgin either."

So in your world... you're like the "cool guys".

Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one.

Success is all about having the confidence to shoot for something even if it seems impossible.

The secret behind success isn't as much of a secret as people think. It's pretty simple. It's working as hard as you can to accomplish what you want.

No matter how successful you are, the haters will never go away.

Mr. President, Ukraine did not "start" this war. Russia launched an unprovoked and brutal invasion claiming hundreds of thousands of lives. The Road to Peace must be built on the Truth.